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Confused. Drinking alone = Overthinking.

I would love to just seclude myself away. I’ve hated this side of myself so much. Always so kind and nice. Why am I lying about myself? I’m reckless, forgetful, insensitive, crude, rude and all that asshole attitude. I honestly don’t deserve to even call myself a true friend. Those words are just not fitting me anymore. Its been way too long that this front I’ve been setting forward for everyone to see.

I’ve never had the real worst possible situation yet in my life - I feel sad to even think about it.

Mysteriously, I will always keep believing that I’ve lived this long after that accident when I was little. That I have a sole purpose here, but I am having second doubts about it.  There are more serious and sadder people out there. I can’t even be compared to those individuals.

I hate reliving those terrible moments. Already know what’s gonna happen, why do I even try. I am indecisive - I hold so much of this knowledge of mine in my head to the point where I can’t even explain it in any shape or form. But.. But I KNOW. I KNOW. Nights like these get me thinking “What if” “What if this” “What if that” ALL THAT BULLSHIT. I can’t get to sleep.

Top of everything else to add to the list - Nightmares. I have these fucking nightmares that drive me insane. I can’t remember it, but all I know is that I suffer, a great deal of suffering. I haven’t properly slept in months. Why do I have to experience this too? I already have stuff to decide on. I just act on shit just for me to move on instead of staying there staring hopelessly into dreams and fake realities of mine. Time is already flying by.

Couple more years are all I need.. I just wanna see them off and meet then in another world. I don’t want to start anew; I just wanna live differently. I’d rather live happy and not caring instead of living sad and feeling these emotions. I already know I’ve adapted my mother’s emotional side. I already know I’ve adapted my father’s authoritative, joking and jerk side. Putting these two together isn’t a good mix. Joke joke joke joke joke and when no one is looking just spit all my emotion at these 4 walls, the door, ceiling and floor hoping that all of static objects answer all my problems.